Just so you know, I finally understand Facebook and now share with y'all the nitty gritty here today.

All will be enlightened as I have been. It is so invigorating to finally get it, indeed it is.

I have been dwelling, oh have I been dwelling, and well, now I understand it.

I know it now and I understand why I can never ever ever add my Aunt nor can I add any of my family members or
family cronies/friends of the relatives/friends of the family or my boss to my Facebook, like EVER!

Sorry Auntie, no can do, too bad Dad, sorry about that, so sorry, too bad, so sad, so don't ask me to add you anymore, you must go away now, kthanksbye, cheerio, see ya later alligator, ciao, ta ta and have a nice day :-)

You see I finally completed my exhaustive year-long research project regarding why Facebook is the way it is, namely, you can't ever ever add your family or your boss to it.

The long answer is here:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Facebook

plus also here:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mark_Zuckerberg

The short answer is this: Facebook was designed as a kind of Harvard "fratbook" - namely the guys, students, used this thing to communicate amongst students and it was never designed to add your parents or aunt or boss or anything like that to it.

You see, unless your parents, your auntie or your boss were actually students with you at Harvard at the time you were a student at Harvard - get the picture?

And of course since it is highly unlikely/impossible that your mom and your auntie and your family cronies and your boss were in fact students with you at Harvard, therefore they have no business being in your Facebook! That's the answer I've been searching for for nearly all of 2009. So simple isn't it, when you finally have it in front of you in plain vanilla black and white. I wish everything else in life was this plain and simple to get.

So now you know.

That is all, carry on.

Ciao;-)

Classes are over. I took my last final today and I think it's time for a long winter's nap. I'm exhausted. But it was a fulfilling and rewarding semester and I liked my classes, especially Histology, which is why I'm pissed that my boss won't let me take any classes next semester. She says they get in the way of my focus at work and that she wants me available from 7:30am to 6pm if she needs me.

Um... I'm an hourly employee but I feel like I'm expected to be a post doc. I don't like that. But I need the job so I'm going to take next semester off. At least, on the bright side, I'll be able to relax when I get home and watch tv.

 Mudcub's Top Movies of 2009( also )( also )

Here are some more lists I try to do every year: resissues and artwork. I love CD packaging. Even though purist may miss the larger size of record albums, I love what some artists are doing with the CD. And not just the cover, but the tray and the case and the top of the CD itself. It helps convey a whole atmosphere is the artist wants to - it's that little extra that can really make a CD "important". At the very least it shows that someone out there cares enough to a coherent package and vision.( Mudcub's Best Reissues of 2009 )
( Mudcub's Best CD Artwork of 2009 )
( Mudcub's Worst CD Artwork of 2009 )

I used to call this list the "Worst CDs of 2009", but I don't think that's fair. I'm sure there was a lot of awful music that I never heard. The difference with this list is that these were all CDs that I *bought*. I still own genuine physical proof of the mistake, and I can't bring myself to sell them back (yet). I hope you didn't waste your money on any of the these, too.

1. Weezer "Ratitude"
2. Flight Of The Conchords "I Told You I Was Freaky"
3. Alan Cumming "I Bought A Blue Car Today"
4. U2 "No Line On The Horizon"
5. The Prodigy "Invaders Must Die"
6. Ben Kweller "Changing Horses"
7. The Killers "Live From The Royal Albert Hall"
8. Nellie McKay "Normal As Blueberry Pie - A Tribute To Doris Day"
9. Various Artists "Ben Folds Presents: University A Capella!"
10. Jet "Shaka Rock"

And even thought I still love both of these artists, I can't say I was impressed by either The Swell Season "Strict Joy" or David Gray "Draw The Line".

Here is my list of the top 50 CDs of 2009. This year, I noticed that my favorites were naturally divided into various groups: CDs I liked, CDs I liked but didn't expect to like, CDs I *thought* I'd like, but found out that I hated. I wonder if the artist's "backstory" influences me unduly. That is, instead of judging the music on it's own merit, I take into consideration where they've been, and most importantly, the direction *I* personally think they should be taking. On my list, it's not enough to put out a good record - I want to see brilliant newcomers, or at least an evolution of an existing sound. Or maybe, I think and judge too much and I should shut up and dance.

1. Amanda Palmer "Who Killed Amanda Palmer?"

Wow! Seeing her at the Coachella Music Festival was a highlight of my year. I liked her music with the Dresden Dolls, but with this Ben Folds-produced album, she took her songwriting to a new level. Throw in a tie-in book and DVD with a conceptual theme, and you have the definition of a true artist. There were some wonderful new songs that she performed in concert, so I'm looking forward to more and more Amanda Fucking Palmer. (Note: I know this CD came out officially in 2009, but I didn't hear it until the spring, and it's my list so I can bend the rules {grin})

2. Florence and the Machine "Lungs"

Sometimes there are CDs that everybody likes. When I was working during college at a local CD store, Paul Simon's "Graceland" came out. I have to confess that I was shameless - I would give that one an in-store a dozen times a day, and each time, people would come up and ask what was playing. I must have sold a thousand copies of that CD on my recommendation. This CD feels the same way. it's tuneful, it's fun, they are good in concert. Even the cover art is great. What more could you ask for?

3. Jill Sobule "California Years"

All of my top three picks were women. I find that odd, because usually I'm a sucker for moody boys. But Denver native Jill Sobule is one of the best songwriters working today, regardless of gender. This CD was a memento of her move to California, and it came out just as I was adjusting to life in San Jose. It fit my thoughts perfectly: at times bitter funny and cynical, and at other times absolutely beautiful and shamelessly hopeful. Kid of like me.

4. The Bad Plus "For All I Care"

This CD should have been a trainwreck. This band was known for their avant-guard jazz takes on modern pop standards. This is nothing new - even Miles Davis covered Michael Jackson ("Human Nature"). But stuffy modern jazz artists like Winton Marsalis think it's better to trod out old twenties pop tunes than tackle anything modern. I loved The Bad Plus taking on Nirvana and Blondie, but how could they add a vocalist? They don't play in even time... how could an attractive female singer keep up with them? The answer is - just fine, thank you. Wendy Lewis doesn't try to out-weird the band. Instead, she acts like everything is completely normal, and it doing so, creates an amazing world that I didn't expect.

5. Chris Isaak "Mr. Lucky"

I *like* the guy. But I was expecting myself to hate this CD. Surely the pretty-boy surfer who plays MOR rockabilly has overstayed his welcome? I mean he even did a Showtime TV show. Well... don't count him out. This CD is full of amazing songs. There's a great pacing... sweet ballads are followed by funny country twang, and then he'll pull off a great duet. I have thirteen Chris Isaak CDs already, and even though they all sound the same, I hope he makes a lot more.

Ten more CDs I loved:

6. The Decemberists "The Hazards Of Love"
7. A.C. Newman "Get Guilty"
8. Jason Faulkner "All Quiet On The Noise Floor" (as well as belatedly "I'm Ok... You're Ok" and the two TV Eyes CDs from Japan)
9. Peter Holsapple and Chris Stamey "Here And Now"
10. Soundtrack "Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog"
11. Phoenix "Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix"
12. The Futureheads "This Is Not The World"
13. Los Lobos "Goes Disney"
14. Glasvegas "Glasvegas"
15. Noah And The Whale "Peaceful The World Lays Me Down"

( 35 more CDs )

this thin laptop,

kinda makes mac book air,

look too huge and bulky by comparison ;-)

i have commenced studies to become a court reporter,

toiling over the next two years developing my ability to capture human speech in real time at a rate of speed of 225 wpm,

& hopefully when i graduate i will have some fun like this ;-)



interesting steno tidbit:

"The English language is estimated at 400,000 - 800,000 words, of which the average adult has a recognition vocabulary of approximately 30-35,000 words and a use vocabulary of only approximately 10,000 words. The fact that you’ve never heard a word before probably means you can’t spell it, but it shouldn’t mean you can’t write it in shorthand."

as well, i'm hoping to blog about my steno training over the next two years and simultaneously write a story outline about my experiences as a steno student and then write a screenplay about it, which may hopefully become the basis of a movie down the road starring, possibly, Mr. Bean ;-) anyway i can dream, can't i?, but hopefully my efforts will get me into the Guinness World Records Book, that is another goal/dream of mine, we'll see;-)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mr._Bean

I sold my house in Denver Colorado today. It sat empty and unrented for over a year. It's a bittersweet feeling: I bought the house for $750,00 and am selling it for $715,000, even after putting over $100,000 of improvements into it. I have to take out a $50,000 loan to cover the closing costs and the loss in value. I never thought I'd have to *borrow* money to get rid of a house, but I'm upside-down, and I owe more than the house is worth.

In 2005 at the height of the housing bubble, a realtor thought I could get $1.2 million for the house. Instead, in a whole year, I only got one insulting offer that was about half of that. This was my first attempt at buying a house, and it was an expensive lesson: cars are for driving, and houses are for living in. Don't expect either to go up in value, but enjoy it if you are lucky to have one.

So...what would be so bad about me asking for my old job back in Los Angeles?

I mean, I know things have changed...they might not have anything available, they may not even WANT me back. But I've been thinking about it pretty strongly lately. Perhaps I'm just fantasizing a notion that things were somehow better back there...or, if not better, at least adequate for me.

My leaving Los Angeles was based on a number of decisions, which, on paper, seemed quite appealing. It's when 6 months rolled by that the honeymoon ended when I began wondering what the hell did I do.

Actually, I take that back. That happened the first day of work in Chicago.

I remember walking out of J&R's home and into the snow, trudging my way over to the bus stop. The only convenient way for me to get from Andersonville to downtown Chicago.

The 22 bus. For one hour.

I waited. And waited. And waited. It was 20 below. I had my huge parka on, but no long underwear. Yes, my jewels were literally shivering in that weather. I'd gone from 75 and sunny to 20 below. In one day. That's when the seeds of doubt began to stir in my head.

It was one of the coldest weeks in Chicago that year, and I had to sit out at a bus stop and wait for a bus that just didn't seem to come for what felt like ages. All by myself. Alone.

I remember it vividly only 3 years later. The snow piled up in huge mounds, scooped by these massive trucks that sped through the streets in some dance that maximized the scoopage and cleared the path for the drivers.

It was such a huge change and I was completely freaked out. At a bus stop. In Chicago somewhere. All alone. Terrified.

Almost three years ago, and things have changed a bit. I've changed a bit. And yes, the doubts continue to fester within me. Is this the right path I'm taking? My life is so career-driven, and I read a quote earlier today that reminded me of something:

Chase after the things that interest you and make you happy. Stop acting like you have a set path, because you don't. No one does. You shouldn't be trying to check off the boxes of life; they aren't real and they were created by other people, not you.

I realized that's what I've been trying to do. Create a path, with a checklist. And it just doesn't work that way. I need to find what it is I love to do, and of course, what I'm good at, and follow that. But I wonder what those things are, and I'm reminded that I was really good at making games for people on mobile handsets. Like, really good. Like, winning awards good. And that gave me a lot of satisfaction. But I know that was 3 years ago. What do I do now that gives me that same sense of satisfaction? And therein lies the mystery for me.

Under normal circumstances, holidays are difficult for me to get through. The holiday stress usually starts around my birthday mid-October and extends through the new year. With it comes the standard anxiety and depression I've become accustomed to over the years.

I've mentioned before that the holiday season brings up a lot of bad memories for me. I felt like the holidays were less about my family having a good time being together, and more about listening to Cindy scream and bitch when things weren't going exactly her way. It was easier to just stay out of her way or do everything I could to keep her from boiling over. This, of course, led to my bouts of anxiety and depression, like clockwork, chiming in at the appropriate time of the year.

So I'd have to say, even in my adult life, it is difficult for me to get through the season. I don't enjoy it that much, and it gets harder and harder each year knowing I don't have a special someone to share the holidays with. Of course, I have my chosen family, Mike and Glen, and I love them dearly, but I know that I'm missing out on experiences in my life...experiences I know other friends have the opportunity to have but for whatever reason elude me.

My early childhood Christmases with my mother were actually kind of fun. Apparently, I learned later from the stepmonster, that my dad used to send my mom extra money each year so that my sister and I could have presents. And we did...at Christmastime, we each got exactly what we wanted. I got my He-Man action figures and Lego sets, Robyn received her Barbie dolls and dreamhouses, and my cousins were jealous of this. They saw us receiving these gifts over the holidays, but they didn't see the other things...the abuse from my mom's boyfriends, the garage sales to sell everything we owned so we can move to another town because my mom thought that would somehow fix her misery. A misery that I seem to live in my life right now. And nobody can change it...apparently, not even me.

So I've gone through each holiday trying to keep from sinking completely under, knowing it's coming and the heightened sensitivities will come with it.

The past couple of years have been incredibly traumatic over the holiday season. My first year in Chicago, right before Thanksgiving, I lost what I thought was going to be my dream job. The year after that, I was working for a studio that had me under constant fear they were going to fire me...and they did, only a few months later.

This year, I'm working for an agency that seems to have no consideration for the producers that work for them and I'm completely lost in the waves of anxiety and depression, attempting to find something to cling to that would give me some form of stability. I am lost, rudderless, and completely disillusioned with my career, my personal life, and my goals. My dreams came crashing down around me...the job...the friends I thought were but stabbed me in the back...my future.

And it doesn't help that the stepmonster sends me an email inviting me to come visit the family back in Lompoc. I know, and am acutely aware, that I have friends that care about me, but for some reason, and maybe this is my fault, I have no family of my own. There's nobody to come home to...no reason to put up a christmas tree, no point in trying to fight through this incredibly shitty job that just makes me feel worse when I come home at night and which I dread going into in the morning.

It's all broken. And I'm all broken inside. I talk to my therapist about these issues, and it's the same thing, trying to find peace, fulfillment, satisfaction within. But how does one do that when he hates himself so much on the inside? These are the questions that revolve around my head like a broken record, scratching their ways back to the beginning...and me, trying to resolve, analyze and come up with a solution to the problems I have.

My mind is a booby trap of self hatred, finely tuned through years of abuse and neglect from the people I thought were there looking out for me. And I know logically it's something I need to get through. I'm not a child anymore, but I don't know many people that understand the emptiness that exists in my soul, like I'm cut off from the rest of the world and only permitted to observe but not experience the good things that life has to offer. Well, maybe at times I get peeks, but those glimpses just feel cruel.

Right after my relationship ended with Mike in 2000, I had made a conscious decision that I was done for a while in the dating world. I'd decided to take a break and enjoy my freedom again. But I've found that freedom, though momentarily liberating, has come at a huge cost to my need for connection.

My stepmom said it quite often as I grew up, that I'm an overly negative person, and that I would never find happiness and light in my life. And it looks like that prophecy, up to now at least, has been true. And no matter how many self-help books, deep breathing, relaxation techniques or any of that other bullshit I try to do help me break that cycle. Maybe I just like hating myself? Or, maybe, it's just what I'm used to.