For whtbraces

Sometimes, you just have to take the month's news stories (the Pope vs. current practices; Bush vs. the Surgeon General and sperm cells; the Supreme Court vs. a woman's rights), distill them down, and put them into perspective in song, to remember what's really important:

I emailed my friend Scott with my 5 current favorite "Hunks of the Month":

1. Wentworth Miller
2. David Beckham
3. Jason Turner (I can't remember his real name)
4. Brady Quinn
5. Hugh Jackman

Scott emailed me back, saying he had no idea who any of them were..........

Should I be concerned? Is it time for a Celebrity Intervention? Or should I just buy him a subscription to "Entertainment Weekly"?!

From a delightful new novel, "Mergers and Acquisitions", by Dana Vachon:

"My father is doing a movie in Vietnam with Russell Crowe right now. It's going to be like "Apocalypse Now", only more apocalyptic, and more of the now...."

1. I love maps - city, state, country, world. I can stare at them for hours, looking at the towns and the roads that connect them, and parks, and schools, and rivers and lakes. When I go to a new city or state, the first thing I do (if not beforehand) is buy a map.

2. My closet is 80% black and white. It would not bother me at all if people only wore black or white clothing. Then all the colors in nature would stand out more.

3. When I was in my teens and 20s, I was limber enough to suck myself off. No longer....sigh.

4. Electricity scares me. When I'm changing a lightswitch, or outlet, or ceiling fan, I turn off the master circuit breaker for the whole house. I've lived in enough older homes with weird wiring where two walls are on one circuit, and two walls are on another circuit. I've learned, the hard way.

5. When my wine glass gets to half empty, I fill it up. I do the same thing when friends are over, always 'topping them off'. At the end of the evening, my half-full glass goes into the fridge, ready for tomorrow.

6. I inherited the ability to tan from my mother. I can walk around outside for an hour, and look like I've been lying by the pool for a week.

When my first boyfriend and I went on our first vacation, a week in Key West, I saw a t-shirt in a shop that said "He who dies with the best tan wins". I almost bought it for her, but didn't. When we got home, there were 5 calls from my Dad on the answering machine. My Mom had died in her sleep while we were gone.

7. I used to love facial hair on guys (never really cared for it on women.) But, since I turned 40, I've become totally anti-hair - face, scalp, body. A 30-50 year old guy who is totally hairless from head to toe is SO hot!!!!!!!

Our first 4th in lovely suburban NoCal. And we realized that we are SO spoiled. We got all pissed off last night because, for the first time in 12 years, we couldn't see the fireworks from our house.

Admittedly, in Palm Springs, we had to climb up on the roof - but, hey, with a flat roof, you just throw a couple of lawn chairs up there, bring cocktails and nibbles up the ladder with you, and you're all set!

And, last year, in Phoenix, we could see the fireworks while lounging in the pool - now, that's decadent!

But here - nada. We even climbed up on top of the landlord's boathouse in the back yard, and nothing, for miles around.

BUT - we did walk to downtown Concord yesterday to see the parade. Talk about being transported back to Mayberry! They not only showcase the 10 year old baton twirlers, they introduce them all by name! "And here's Dierdre...and Lakisha....and Lakisha...and Lakisha....and Lashondra.....and Lashondra....and Lashondra....and Susan."
AND, they not only mention who's riding there in the car, they talk about the car: "Yup, that's Deputy Mayor Jack Crindle and his lovely wife Elizabeth in that 1976 Mustang convertible, it's a 6 cylinder, candy apple red, all of the parts to remodel this beauty were supplied by Ed's Auto Parts up there on Clayton Road.....you be sure and visit Ed, y'hear?"

So, we trudged home and fired up the grill - naturally, had a very 'traditional' 4th meal - mixed grill of shrimp, scallops, and lobster. Hey, we may be living in Mayberry, but we're still fags! We got taste!

The SF Chronicle ran an article this weekend about a guy in Pacifica - that's a town just south of SF - who bought a house 4 years ago - side street, no ocean or city view, tiny lot. And 250 square feet (yes that's 3 digits). It was a fixer-upper, living/bedroom, kitchenette, bathroom, closet - that's it. He paid $101,000 for it. He's renovated the house over the years, and then decided to refinance.

The house appraised for $375,000! That's $1500 per square foot!!!!!

Now - take the square footage of your house/condo, and multiply by 1500. Put it on the market, sell it for that price, retire to the Bahamas, and invite me to come be your houseboy.......(I know, no other city is this absurd - but it's nice to dream, isn't it?)

We'll never be able to afford to buy in this city.......sigh.........

Sent via email:

"Hey Scott

Yes, dinner for tomorrow is on. I knew you'd eventually ask if you could bring something, so I just figured I'd give you the list now:

Flatware - service for 6. No, wait, I think it comes in boxes of 8. So, bring that.
Dinnerware - go with the Royal Doulton, that pattern with the blue and the gold around the edge. You know what I mean.
Glassware - some cut crystal, a couple of different sizes. I'm sure you'll find a nice pattern.
Napkins. And a tablecloth - white.
Candles - some Colonial Candle 12" off-white tapers. Just bring the whole box.

Food - bring enough for 6. Who, knows I might meet some people at Safeway today that I'll want to invite.
Appetizer - if it's a warm appetizer, come a little early so it's heated up by the time the other guests arrive.
Soup or salad (your choice) - if it's salad, I like blue cheese dressing, Christopher likes Italian.
Main course - I figure a nice roast, or maybe a fish course. Chicken's always good. But stay away from a really heavy sauce - delicate stomachs, you know! A potato dish, and a vegetable. We don't like brussel sprouts.
Cheese/fruit plate - don't go too overboard. Just 2-3 of each.
Dessert - something light, that doesn't have to be flambe'd. You'll be tired of cooking by this point.

Pots and pans - I think we're OK here, but bring a set of Calphalon just in case.
Utensils - you know what you'll need.
Place cards - always a nice touch.

Some toilet paper and guests towels for the bathroom. Oh, and those little soaps shaped like flowers or seashells. And a soapdish.

Dish soap (you'll have to wash the crystal by hand) and dishwashing detergent. Some towels for drying.

A couple of cases of chardonnay, a case of merlot, gin, vodka, scotch, rum, tequila. And mixers, of course. And fruit. Better bring a blender, if anyone wants margaritas. So, margarita salt. And ice. Maybe a selection of after-dinner cordials. And coffee - sugar and cream, of course. And a coffee maker.

Maybe an after-dinner game, or a movie. Just don't bring "Wallace & Gromit and the Curse of the Were-Rabbit". We watched that last night. Or "All that Jazz" - that was Monday. Or "Who Framed Roger Rabbit" - Sunday. Or we could just get in the hot tub. Better bring beach towels. And some chlorine.

I think that about covers it. If I think of anything else, I'll let you know. This will be fun!!"

I just found out that whtbraces and I will be roomies over Labor Day at WCR.

It'll be so much fun! We'll tell ghost stories, and make smores, and do each other's nails, and talk about boys, and act out all of the songs from "Grease" and "Hairspray"...........and then throw poor, unsuspecting rubberboys into the sleepsack with a catheter and an electric buttplug!!!

OK, so it's our first spring in the Bay area, and therefore Christopher's first SF Pride. We grab the BART to get into town around 11, figuring we'll see some of the parade, tour around the fair, and see everything before the hordes descend. Wrong.

BART was standing room only, mostly families with kids, who I figured were continuing on to the Giants game. Wrong again. They all got off with us at Powell. As soon as we reached street level, it was like the Annual Free Rice Giveaway in Darfur. Hundreds of thousands, 87.6% straight (I counted), mostly just milling around and staring, like ants on acid.....

We met up with Scott in front of Carls Jr at 8th & Market.....it took a while - the battle of the cell phones: "Where are you?" "Right at 8th" "So are we. What are you wearing?" "White t-shirt, gray cap." "There are 10 people with white t-shirts and gray caps that I can see. Have you turned into a 70-year old black man?" "No" "How about an obscenely pregnant Latino woman?" "Uh, no." "Oh, I see you now!!!!"

So, exactly what does Tylenol PM think they're going to get out of sponsoring a float at Pride??

Off to the fair, where we ran into a few rubberbuds from Recon, stopped at the main stage long enough to hear Gavin (the Mayor) say a few words, this guy say a few words, this councilwoman say a few words, Mr. Sulu say a few words, this other guy say a few words....we figured, if we waited long enough ,every single person in the crowd would get to say a few words. We didn't wait.

Scott was over it after 2 hours, and went home. We had a couple of $9 chicken teriyaki bowls (as the girl from "Hairspray" was serenading us from the main stage with "Good Morning, Baltimore"), and worked our way out and back to BART - along with every other person from the East Bay.

The over-caffeinated lesbian BART driver was really pissed she was working on Pride day, as she took to the microphone (bikes are allowed on BART except during rush hour and 'at the driver's discretion'): "I am NOT allowing any bikes on the train. It's too crowded."

5 seconds

"Sir, get your bike off the train, and wait for the next one."

5 seconds

"Sir, do NOT push those people off the train to make room for your bike."

5 seconds

"Get your damn bike off my train or I'm going to manually close the doors and snap it in two!!"

And the train took off. Our whole car was roaring with laughter by this point. One guy took a Red Bull out of his backpack, and headed toward the front, to give it to the driver.........

All in all, a fun day........

It's just one of those days...........

Phoenix, Arizona. That lump in the desert that people pass through on their way to interesting places. Like Palm Springs, LA, San Diego. Or Denver. Austin or Dallas.
Phoenix is that giant Love's Travel Stop in the middle of nowhere that everyone stops at to pee and fill up their tank. And now we live here. And I'm still not sure why.

I loved living in Palm Springs. Well, except that it's really hard to make a decent living there. You have to be independently wealthy, or settle for a waiter's salary. There's no in between.

Actually, I'd done OK for the first few years. My CD store was bumping along, not making a lot of money, but I wasn't starving. And then came 9/11, and I decided to close the store.

The two weren't related, of course. It's just that 2001 was the first really big year for CD recorders and internet downloading. The two death knells of independent record stores around the country. The writing was on the wall; it was just going to get worse.

(tapping microphone) Is this thing on?